Sarah's
Transition
Diary
Day 1.
Took my first "pill"
this morning at
Day 2.
Queasiness still the
same, but I
don't know whether this is an effect but I am more aware of my spacial
awareness of my surroundings ... hard to describe, but not unpleasant.
( Returned to this
Day 3.
Queasiness still there.
Checking
the boy bits, as men do, and I'm sure my vege's have shrunk already, or
is it
wish full thinking, I've been told they'll shrink to the size of kidney
beans
after a few months. Went shopping with my mum as Sarah for first time,
called
me "Trevor" a couple of times and apologized each time and
"Susan" . Don't know where that came from.
Anyway she's
comfortable out with
me and observed nobody looking oddly at me.. YES. Think I'm starting a
cold.
Started using the Estrogel tonight, one dollop twice a day, will do it
morning
and night, will have to start sleeping covered up if I'm doing this at
the last
minute at night. Bought some new bathroom scales, digital ones, I
weighed
myself today 14st 23/4 lbs.
Day 4.
Queasiness still there
I think.
Woke up with a howling cold and my sinuses are hurting ...
Day 5.
Queasiness still there
I think,
but last of my worries. Phone in sick to work and go and see GP. Yes I
got
sinusitis and an ear infection. GP says queasiness is to be expected on
the high
dose of hormones that I'm taking. Given horse size antibiotics, 4 a day
for 7
days and told to take it easy. Tell work I won't be in till at least
Thursday.
Day 6.
Queasiness what
queasiness, feel
sooo ill and miserable couldn't really detect it. Noticed trouble some
skin
area round nose that has dogged me for 30 years or so is getting better
..
Hormones .. May be.
Day 7.
Queasiness still there,
I feel a
little better in my self generally. Notice my skin on my hands has
improved in
appearance, specially the fingers, though the skin also feels a little
dry ...
well I was warned that the hormones would make my skin dry and nails
brittle.
Out for Theale pub meal tonight with Karen, "Linda" and Susan.
I weighed myself this
morning
14st 0 1/2 lbs, well my appetite is off, but I still want to loose more.
Day 8.
Queasiness still there,
went to
work today, should have stayed at home .. but there you go. Nipples
getting
quite sensitive and slightly raised, specially the right one ... and
slight
tingling all over breast area .. hmmmm
Day 9.
Queasiness still there,
still not
over other recent problem, and going to
Day 10.
Queasiness still there,
up all
night on ferry, feel terrible today, nipples seem particularly
sensitive.
Looking forward to tonight's meal.
Day 11.
Queasiness still there,
but seems
better, though feel bloated from last nights meal ... fantastic as
usual. Had a
fun time out and about, sadly drab, didn't buy anything girlie with A
& D
lurking around. Ferry trip home unpleasant, Karen ate very little, got
home at 23.55.
Day 12.
Queasiness, what
queasiness ...
think it might be almost gone, hope so .. back to work, not very well
still and
very tired from weekend. Breasts tingling slightly, right nipple very
sensitive.
Day 13.
Queasiness still there
a bit,
comes and goes. The vege's are disappearing very quickly, and becoming
tender
to point of being uncomfortable if I try and "tuck" ...
Day 14.
Queasiness still there
in
morning, but from the afternoon till bed time I wasn't really aware of
it.
Nipples sensitive enough to hurt with the lightest of brushes. Got left
at work
lunch time when everybody else went to lunch to celebrate EJ and BP's
leaving.
Had to walk to
Day 15.
Queasiness had
disappeared in the
morning, only to return slightly in the evening, been getting a lot of
wind,
and still suffering from Catarrh from last weeks cold, coughing is
making my
chest ache .. wish it would go .. didn't get to see CT today at work as
hoped,
will chat tomorrow. Saw Linda and Susan tonight for a chat, and rewired
some
120V Christmas lights for them ... plan to see each other sometime next
week.
Day 16.
Queasiness a bit on and
off,
thank goodness more off than on. Budding boobs are getting more
sensitive to
touch, pleasant enough till you do it accidentally, like knocking into
something.
I saw CT, MD / COE of
our
division of the group, for a "confidential and off the record"
meeting regarding company position in upper management to GLBT . CT is
an out
gay, and recently resigned his position, at the time it was explained
he would
work out his 5 month notice period, leaving in mid April 2005. However
this week
it all changed, and we are told he was leaving today on "gardening
leave" till April, hence an urgent need to see him. Explained my
position
to CT. and he thinks "Sarah" will get treated well by them when I
choose my moment.
CT had absolutely no
idea of
"my problems", so "Carolyn" the girl at work who has known
about me for the last 14 months has obviously been a model of
discretion. CT's
general feeling is that few if any of my colleagues in London will give
"Sarah" any hassle when the time comes, explained my worries
concerning "DT1", and he feels DT1 has a heart really though he is a
loud opinionated "gay bashing" northerner.
He has offered to go to
the
company on my behalf and sound them out, however, I feel with my
general
appearance nowadays, they may put 2 & 2 together, and know its me.
No need
to tip them off before they need to know or before I can tie them up
legally.
Well what CT told me took a great weight of my shoulders, Christmas has
come a
day early. Karen and I exchange "Sarah" gifts as we go to bed ..
think I might have done better than her ...
Day 17.
Queasiness
off it
seems at first, just a little a bit later, or was that over eating and
a little
to much
Have Christmas pressies in afternoon, get more studs from my mum and
from Karen
... Karen reminds me that I bought her a ring for Christmas when we
were in
France back in October ..where the hell did I hide that ... my short
term
memory has been terrible the last year to eighteen months ... stress I
think, I
hope .. last thing I need now is to start losing "IT" big time.
Day 18. Sunday 26th December 2004.
Not sure if queasiness
today is
due to hormones or over indulgence yesterday, one of my sisters
pointers jumped
up me and dragged a paw over one of my buds ... it hurt enough to bring
tears
to my eyes, and they said it takes a couple of months to get most
painful, not
looking forward to that then. Bit of a panic earlier when I thought I'd
lost a
card of pills with 4 days worth on .. Karen found them after I started
a
"new card" in panic, such is life.
Day 19. Monday 27th
December 2004.
Queasiness still here a
little,
still not sure if it's hormones or over indulgence, suppose next few
days after
we go home tomorrow will indicate this. Went to Bath today, sales
shopping,
didn't get a thing myself, ended up with Karen and I dragging our
daughter out
of a restaurant after she threw a wobbly, smashing glasses and
splashing orange
juice up my sisters lovely new coat she'd only had for 30 minutes. Day
ruined.
We waited in car park
for others
to finish as we needed to carry one more in our car. Due to Claire's
wobbly, I
stay at my sisters sitting Claire and the 3 Pointer dogs and the 4 cats
...
forget the farm yard outside with 2 gun dogs, 2 horses and countless
"rare
breed" chickens, ducks and geese ... did I mention the Guinea Pigs ...
Looking forward to tonight's "turkey curry feast", gosh I'm feeling
queasy as I'm typing .. hunger I hope only, having missed the Chinese
buffet
lunch in Bath ... Oh er was watching a DVD earlier "Love Actually"
... and I started to weep uncontrollably at the end, nobody else was,
Karen was
slightly amused by it, I was deeply embarrassed, Karen quips we'll have
to
start watching "weepy's" together ... hmmmm thanks .... think I just
had my first hormone driven emotional moment ... a most odd sensation
... warm
but needed a cuddle really .. Karen had to rush to get ready to go out
with the
others to the "panto" .. so I didn't get one ... sob, sob ....
Epilogue .. Turkey
curry feast
was good, a few of my sisters and hubby's friends turned up too ..
proves that
all country folk are either inbred or mad ( or both ) ... the "Stinking
Bishop" cheese we took down won a couple more converts / fans .... One
of
my sisters friends turned out to be an amateur palm reader ... she
didn't get
chance to do me ... that would have been interesting , but got my mum
bang to
rights ....
Day 20.
Feeling good today, no
queasiness
up till now (17.20). Left my sisters sadly this morning, would have
happily
stayed in the mad house a while longer, she invites us back "soon"
thanking us for the wine and cheese we contributed to Christmas .. name
the
weekend and we'll be there was the reply ... Drove my mum straight home
.. 110
minutes, 108 miles of having last 3 days analysed and regurgitated ..
my head
hurts ... she promises to make the petticoats I've asked for ... she
has her
uses ... lol. Will have to weigh myself again later ... oh er .. I'm
sure I've
gained a few pounds ...
Day 21.
Well I'm not getting
any
queasiness in the mornings, just a little in the evening, weighted
myself this
morning ... 6lb up on 3 weeks ago ... Nooooooo .... Had some sad news
today, my
niece in Somerset who we saw at Christmas has had to have "Charlie"
her horse put down, turned out the "nose bleed" it had been having on
and off for the last couple of weeks was serious ... she was very
strong, and
held it while it passed away ... it was a lovely animal with real
character,
though quite old (19) ... she is devastated by this turn of events
naturally
...
Day 22.
Saw my GP again this
morning ...
still under weather from last weeks issues, and coughed up some blood
in a bad
coughing fit a couple of nights ago, doctor not too concerned. Checked
my blood
pressure again, no problem there at all. I voiced a little concern
about my
physical changes, specially right boob much more advanced than left ...
he said
nothing to worry about, happens to a "lot of girls" as they develop.
Went to see an aged
uncle today
who doesn't know about Sarah, only to find he'd fallen over when we got
there
and couldn't get up, Karen was carrying her new handbag, and keys to
his
retirement flat were at home. Double glazed, with security locks ...
nothing
for it other than a sprint home to get key, phoned for ambulance just
in case
when ten minutes away on way back .. ambulance was waiting for us ..
he'd gashed
his head but was otherwise ok though still on the floor .. so he was
left at
home by ambulance crew after patching him up and getting him into a
chair. Oh
and me .. queasy in evening again ...
Day 23.
Time is flying by, got
so much I
need to do but an apathy seems to have set in .. got to break out of
this.
Feeling on a high still, inside .. haven't been in girl mode ( as in
dressed as
) for a few weeks ... and strangely not missing as hard as I would have
done
before I started hormones. I think this is because I'm more at peace
with
myself ... and the way things are developing physically and emotionally
I feel
like I'm in "girl mode" however I am dressed ... it's just a little
social interaction I miss .... though been chatting on line on Yahoo
toooo much
last few days ... so many new contacts coming to find me ... LOL ...
Day 24.
Happy New Year.
Queasiness hit me
after lunch today, it's been later than that in the evening the last
couple of
days ... oh well I have got used to this a bit, it's not pleasant but
it's just
something I have to cope with ... decided to wear my “AA” cup
M&S “Balconette” bra today under a drab shirt ( bright pink,
purple and royal blue vertical stripes .. lol .. honest it's a Ben
Sherman
shirt, Christmas pressie from my dad and wicked step mum, maybe they
have
sussed me after all !!!! ) .. Karen later asks if I'm wearing my
“chicken
fillets” ... NO I'M NOT ... oh er ... ear to ear grin lasts a
while
... they are definitely growing, but realistically not that much,
the bra
is doing the business of making the most of what I have, specially on
the right
side ... one thing is that the bra stops the nipples from being rubbed
directly
by my shirt ... yes it is more comfortable to wear a bra ... what will
I do
back at work next Wednesday ... another conundrum ... but there is no
way I'm
wearing a bra to work yet, the tights I've been wearing for last 6
weeks 7 days
a week for warmth ( I am a commuting motorcyclist .. 31.4 miles each
way ) are
well hidden under jeans ...
Day
25.
No queasiness up till
20.00
today, there is light at end of the tunnel maybe, then just a little
queasy
later. Think I came close to losing it big time this morning on the
phone in my
first hormone driven ( may be) temper fit, with aged uncle from entry
on
30/12/04, hung up on him before I let rip .... Ignorant b..... ! If it
wasn't
for fact he needs us to look after EVERYTHING, I’d happily walk away
for
good from that inconsiderate old g..... Called at
A few things have been
bottled up
recently, things a little TOO personal for here ... and this led to a
tearful
morning after the uncle rage had died down. On the bright side .. as I
was
eating my breakfast in the lounge, the light from window caught my bare
legs ..
WOW .. I hadn't noticed how the skin had changed on my legs like it has
on my
face and hands ... weighed myself again ... NOOOOOO ... sob, sob, ..
this is
getting too much .. the diet starts today ...
Wore my “AA” M&S
“Wonder Bra” today to protect nipples .. notice effect was
better yesterday .. LOL Trying to beat the apathy, got on with some
work in the
evening and got 3 machines serviced for a customer .. hey that was easy
and
might pay some bills .....
Day 26. Monday 3rd
January
2005.
Got up feeling good and
positive,
phone customer to see if he wanted machines back fast as planned, tells
me his
customer has backed off and we'll talk about delivery / collection
later. Bank
holiday, what holiday when you do extra work at home for a hobby
business, it's
a bonus working day .. LOL.
Got side tracked again
with long
chats with old friends and new contacts on Yahoo messenger, Karen
reminds me 2
hours after I missed a pill to take it .. doh, Really felt good all
day, no
queasiness at all till I went to bed. I've timed my “Pills” for
7am, 3pm and 11pm. Took last pill as I got into bed feeling fine.
Cuddle up to
Karen as I do, 10 minutes later, hit like a brick and suddenly feel
very queasy
... just as I thought smugly I’d cracked the queasiness ... life goes
on.
Day 27. Tuesday 4th
January
2005.
No queasiness as I wake
up and
take first pill of the day, Karen has to go to work for a training day,
leaving
me with our disabled daughter who goes to school normally where Karen
works.
“Where’s Mummy” starts as soon as Karen exits back door at
8.35 ... ho hum what fun, make sure headache pills close to hand ..
lol. Decide
must keep up with anti apathy efforts and do some more work today.
Work calls at 10.00 ...
“where are you?, everything ok?” Holiday cover rota shows me off
today, rota was written / planned by Scottish engineer in company group
..
extra holiday in Scotland today ... doh .. so who checked his master
plan then
??? Sorry stuck at home with daughter. Karen phones at 12.20 to see if
all OK
with Claire, laughs when I tell her that work phoned ... queasiness
becomes
noticeable about 14.15 ... grrrrrrr. Really worried about my weight
gain in
last week or so .. the lunch time power walks when it's dry are going
to come
back with a vengeance.
Day
28.
Wednesday 5th January 2005.
Back to work today ...
ho hum, no
bra to protect my nips. Ride in on motorbike is ok, except dammed cold
and very
icy down to main road, I love holidays.. 50 minutes to W1 . I'm sure I
didn't
used to feel as cold as this under similar conditions before. The bag I
carry
across my back everyday with shoes and lunch box is ok .. strap goes
down
middle of my front, over RH boob, under LH boob.. At work a disaster
greets me,
caused by a colleague attempting to do my job without seeking advice
yesterday
.. takes me ½ hour to undo damage on back up system .. calm thoughts,
calm thoughts ..
Go for a 20 minute “
power
walk ” after lunch to Jessops on Tottenham Court Road, to buy son 21st
birthday pressie, jiggling of shirt + sweatshirt + fleece on 2 mile
walk
aggravates nipples a lot, left one hurts most, that's new ... Get
Nikon
Coolpix 4100 +128Mb SD card .. bargain after discussion come argument
with
assistant over price .. different (-£19) on their web site .. he
refused
to look at web site even though they had PC in shop ... sensing I was
losing it
quickly .. thought stop, think calm .. eventually he agrees price I
suggest is
right ... and then gives me the web site 128Mb upgrade ( +£20) for
£10.00 .. calmness and warm feeling returns ... Yes.
Power walk back to work
via
Chiltern Street (Long Tall Sally & Elephant Feet ) causes more
discomfort (
not only what I have missed in their sales ) .. and now going into wind
..
thought feeling cooler might reduce sensitivity .. WRONG .. ouch .. by
time I
get back to office I'm quite uncomfortable.
See group Chief
Executive, CE1,
he's come to our "new" London office for 10 minute chat about our
companies brave new world ... this is one person I fear when I come out
to
company in the summer. “Straight talking Yorkshire man” he calls
himself ... hmmm.
Clearly CT did not
report our
confidential chat on 24/12/04 to him, sure he would have said
something.
Assures me my job is safe and thanks for all the effort during last
18months of
refurb. Carolyn, who knows about me is off till next Monday, so nobody
to chat
to about things. Ride home on bike not pleasant at all with camera kit
stuffed
into top of my bike suit resting in front of LH boob, aaaargh. No
queasiness
today .. yet .. and it's 20:15 .. it's looking up. Film “What women
want” on tele ... lol .. I know what I want .
21.30 Karen shows me a reply to an email she sent another Ts’s
wife, I was ok reading the sectionalised reply from the other woman,
but broke
down when I saw the original Karen sent in one piece showing her
doubts, not
sectionalised. This other Ts’s wife has said her partner has started to
“appreciate men”, I try to reassure Karen it only happens to about
5% of Ts’s who are totally sure of their “lesbian status”
like me, I’ve never ever fancied a man .. she end’s up tearful with
me crying. It’s when this happens I wish I wasn’t the way I am, I
love her sooo much, wish there was a magic pill to make me “normal”
, after 48 years I know there isn’t.
Diary
.... the next
28 days....
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