Sarah's Transition Diary .. days 29 - 56

Day 29. Thursday 6th January 2005.

No Queasiness for about 36 hours I think, I must be getting over this phase at last, till it starts about 11.30 this morning. When it started I was feeling a bit stressed by bloody back up system that was still not 100% happy. So is stress a trigger to this .. I hope not .. I’ll try and pay attention to that.

Decided that some retail therapy at lunch time might de stress me and make me feel good. Went to Evans at Marble Arch first, some great shoes ( I'm a “perfect” Evans size 9W ) and there are some seriously nice shoes in sale. But Karen has said no more shoes till we see what my feet are going to do. However I yearned for some deep purple trainers I saw there in the summer and had been hoping .. but no sadly .. however they did have some lilac and beige trainers .. went through about 10 size 10 pairs before finding probably the only size 9 .. £20 reduced to £10 .. Karen won't mind surely ... find assistant and go to pay ... £5 please ... big smile .. thanks ... 

Head off to Chiltern Street, in to Elephant feet and try a pair of boots from the window .. US12 = UK10, so I give it a try ( “taupe” knee high with metallic 4" stiletto, laced front with inside zip, and four little diamante buckle straps on outside of leg ) . Foot feels great, but ankle is far to slim for me ... sob, sob ... I know Karen said no more shoes and boots .. these are so gorgeous , and only £160 ... sob, sob .. glad they don't fit really ... sigh .. There was another “tranny” in there too, drab, trying on a pair of shoes, nothing was said and the other avoided eye contact ... lol.

On to Long Tall Sally, sale is now “Blue X”, extra 20% off sale prices. The coat I saw and fell in love with long before Christmas ( “Natural” wool colour single breasted just below knee, with gorgeous massive fake fur collar to high waist level, was £180.00, marked sale price £90, Blue X price -20% .. and they've got a size 20 in stock .. swoon .. should I ... Noooo .. Karen will kill me ..  See loads of bargain pieces, oh to have some spare money, could happily blow a few hundred pounds here, LTS clothes are so elegant and so right for me .. I buy when I can from there.

Queasiness disappears during afternoon, not sure when ... great. Tell Karen later when I get home about LTS .. seeing my sad face she says go buy it .. and bits up to £100 total for my birthday in March .... Yes, Yes , Yes ... lol .. she loves me !!! I know she does anyway .. must do to be putting up with this.

Day 30. Friday 7th January 2005.

I left for work with spring in my step, well in my bike, having got Karen's OK to go get my birthday pressie ( for March ) from Long Tall Sally. Work is ok in morning and I sneaked out to Chiltern Street after early lunch. I'm in luck and the size 20 coat is still hanging there, snaffle that and then look for bits to bring value up to £100, end up getting matching ankle length skirt ( which I tried on before buying as wasn't sure whether 14 or 16 would be needed ... 14 was ok ..) and top, takes bill to £103.20 .. oops ... Shop agrees to hold items in their storeroom, having paid for them, till I can collect by car, maybe next Friday, if not Saturday. Leave shop with ear to ear grin and go home happy ...

Well it's the night of son's 21st birthday bash at a Restaurant in Virginia Waters. 16 “family + Bob” attend. Nephew “W”, age 9, is always a totally out of control little arse when out in restaurants .. and tonight he excelled himself, partly inspired by his father Paul who is invariably loud and obnoxious after a couple of drinks. I had great difficulty stopping myself exploding in possibly hormone fired rage twice, and came close to walking out to avoid creating a bigger scene.

Karen noticed at one point I was trying to bottle a possible explosion ... and was glad I did ... Paul ( balding twat ) and “W” take great pleasure in trying to cause a stir because of my long hair and have occasionally mentioned my studs in the past, making innuendoes and things. What are they going to do in 3 months when I out myself to the rest of the family ... I don't care if I never see them again.

Stephen, Karen's older of 2 brothers is a yobo who does not help and incites “W” to torment my mum. Anyway, get to end of evening without exploding and I have told Karen I will never eat with “W” and Paul again, Tracy and “R” (girl age 10) are fine and civilized. After some champagne at home, go to bed and didn't sleep to well ... such is life ... Have felt OK all day other than this evenings upset .. NO queasiness .. hoorah !!!!

Day 31. Saturday 8th January 2005. Freedom day !!! Take son back to Bath University for start of new term. At least I can be me now at home in evenings and weekends again until he returns. Oh ..er ... Takes me an age to program my sons portable TV to receive BBC, ITV and CH4. Son spent last term only watching CH5 cause oddly, it's on same channel as London. Karen comments out of son's earshot I'm losing some of my male abilities !!!!

We go into Bath itself for lunch ( Pub Lamb & Lion) and my appearance seems to get the staff pointing and looking in my direction a couple of times. Rush home spot on time to collect Claire from respite. At home, I try to take some “self portraits” of my “buds” .. give up after 30 minutes, Karen says she'll try for me tomorrow, got so carried away I didn't get to eat before going out .... Get ready to go out, find breast forms on buds a bit uncomfortable but bearable, not so easy with the tender “vege’s” when I tuck, but tuck I must with bias cut dress I've chosen to wear. Putting on foundation for first time in 3 weeks I notice my face skin really is smoother and softer ... feels nice.

I go to “Transmission” in the evening with my friend Linda, have a good night out and get to talk to a lot of new people, I’d been chatting to on line recently, and a load of old friends, including a couple of the TS's. People just wanted to talk about the hormone side effects in the main and other more pleasant things. Linda was a little surprised so many knew me ... Get home at 3.00AM and take last pill 4 hours late oops .... bed at 3.30 ...  No queasiness at all today .. more than 48hrs ... Gosh this is looking up...

Day 32. Sunday 9th January 2005.

Wake up at 9.20 and take first pill ( should be 7.00 am), well last pill  yesterday was well late. After the usual morning rituals in the bathroom, I weight myself .. 14st 41/4 lb, well I did miss the evening meal yesterday, just hope it stays that way ... Smile returns to face .... was well worried at new year when I weighed in at 14st 8lb.

Last time I wore my favourite girlie “big bum jeans” ( named so after my wife agreed they made my bum look bigger.. honest .. smiles ..) a week ago, the thighs were so tight they looked painted on ...  But now the fit is nice again. Go to get some lunch things from Waitrose in “andro” mode, try out my new “lilac” trainers, feel good. After 2 days of no queasiness I feel a bit sick again during lunch, and it is the hormone type queasiness rather than anything rich I might have eaten I am sure.

Rich food has never really affected me that way as male ... hope this isn't food related, but if it is this maybe good for Sarah's figure if I have to start avoiding rich high calorie goods if this is the case .. I’ll experiment deliberately soon to see if this happens with a couple of my favourite foods ... I have been warned that along with all my body fluids smelling different after a year to 18 months, my sense of taste would change too .. I’ll have to ask around ... I'm sure its to early for those changes...

22.30, bed time,  and Karen asks if I've taken all my pills today.. bum... realize I've missed a pill today for the first time .. conundrum .. to take 2 tonight or not .... even though RR did suggest taking the three daily pills as 2 + 1 cause patients often forget to take the middle of the day pill, and he said it didn't matter 2 in morning or 2 at night  .. I decide to take the 2 at once ... After I was in bed a short while the queasiness returned ... possibly triggered by the 2 pills at once ...

Day 33. Monday 10th January 2005.

Wake up feeling fine, queasiness gone again ... getting up a bit earlier by design, bathroom and dressing is taking me longer for some reason, and I’d been getting to work later than I really liked ... but hey .. flexibility should work both ways. This might be to do with the Oestrogel and moisturiser routine I’m doing every morning.

Normal sort of day at work, the more I talk to my new “senior engineer” C the more I discover we think much about things in the same way than I ever did with E over 9 ½ years ... I might actually start enjoying work again. Carolyn, the girl at work who knows about me, is back from Christmas Holiday and wants all the gossip about me and wants to know how meeting with ex MD “C” went ... she’s pleased for me ... Go home on time ... lovely weather ...

Try to plan a night out for Friday with Karen and our Friends Linda and Susan to Pickwicks in London for Andrea Hillaires birthday party. Karen not too keen at this time ... hope she changes her mind ...  Have a shower and wash my hair, as you do ... use conditioner like I know I am supposed to every time but rarely do, and find hair does combe out a lot easier ... well maybe I’ll start doing it all the time ...

Day 34. Tuesday 11th January 2005.

So much for getting up earlier. Slept through 1st alarm, second one sort of stirs me. However the bathroom routine is getting more methodical and I get out only 5 minutes later than planned. Apart from nips and buds being so tender I really do feel good about myself. Work is getting to feel better everyday with the new man C. It’s E’s last day tomorrow ... not sure how that is going go.

Rain stopped play on the lunch time power walk, and just to compound things it’s the “half chicken and chips” routine for dinner. Out with Bob tonight, best non work / non school friend, and in late 60's .... if I tell him, how’s he going to react? Karen really doesn’t want me telling anyone till really necessary, I am sure she still hopes that I’m going to change my mind and stop short of transition.

I just feel so right inside now I know there can be no going back for me, hormones are truly mind altering things ... others who have gone further than me say there is a lot more to come. I feel that if your brain was wired female as I’m sure mine is, then running it on Estrogen is what really makes it purr along smoothly, ever seen a petrol engine running on diesel ... same thing for a female wired brain running on testosterone.   

Update : Told Bob over a beer about what I’m being treated for, well he was so sympathetic that I nearly cried in happiness ... had to work hard not too ... He’s the one friend I really want to carry on my side, the sailing over the years has helped me to forget my true self for short periods. He doesn’t really understand but accepts what I’ve told him about “Benjamine’s Syndrome”, the effects of hormones on brain, about the Dutch research in to the brain structure of TS’s ( as in being the same as genetic born girls ) and how it is thought it happens at 16 weeks gestation in pregnancies.

He hadn’t realised the struggle and fight going on inside me for the 25 - 26 years he has known me, along with the near suicides, and offered what ever support he could if he can over the coming months. He even offered to let me use his boat on boating weekends to break the news to others ... wow. This offer I did turn down, having thanked him for that kind offer, as I feel it would be wrong to spring this sort of thing on people without them having an easy run away route if they can’t accept me / it.

He’s offered to proof read my “breaking the news” document I’ll give to friends when the time is right, I trust him and his judgement with out question given the sort of work he did and still does. He thinks that all the other “crew” that know me will be accepting, with the possible exception of 2 that I invite as crew on weekends that I organise the crews. Well time will tell...

Day 35. Wednesday 12th January 2005.

Slept well last night after chat with Bob, it was such a relief, and got up on time. The queasiness still persists for short periods .. I was rushing around at work about 10.30 when I suddenly felt the all to familiar sickness feeling, but by lunch time I suddenly realised it had gone without me noticing it fade as it usually does. I really had thought this stage would be finished long ago, this is what most have told me. And I have gone 48 hours plus without any such problems in recent past, so I should be grateful.

I catch a door frame as I swerve to miss a colleague, with my left bud / nip, throbs for a good half hour after and aches a lot for a lot longer. There is no doubt that going through the changes is not for the faint hearted, it’s bloody hard and at times it grinds you down, but I want this so desperately I would take it worse for a fair while if I knew, as I do, that in the end I’ll be a whole person one day, and when everything has levelled off I should feel good, and feel good about my self.

Had my usual sandwich/ pot dried fruit/banana lunch at 12.30 ... then big boss DT1 says we are off to the pub at 14.15 .. for a Thai lunch ... damn it, can’t be anti social and have to eat a main course ... fantastic ... how many calories ... sob, sob ....  Well it was E’s last day today, founder member 15years, 3 months service.

We have had our run ins over the last 9 ½ years, and I drew his attention to this job being offered, was second one I’d given him the nudge on ... and he walked it ... BBC pursued him with their cheque book till he accepted. Anyway, we part friends I hope and a few speeches are made before he goes by management. The next few weeks are a bit worrying as E did like to keep things in his head, as with many, E thought knowledge was power and kept a lot of that knowledge to himself only communicating tit bits.

Had ½ a Tesco health eating quiche with Greek salad and a few olives for dinner .. shame about the half Ciabbata and oil to dip it in .. followed by a Yoghurt .... well the salad wasn’t that bad, and the Yoghurt was a good move ... just got to learn to ignore the speciality breads in Waitrose at the weekend ... LOL Stay up late chatting to a friend on Yahoo cause of late start tomorrow .. but get carried away, and Karen isn’t happy when I disturb her...

Day 36. Thursday 13th January 2005.

Weigh myself in morning .. bum .. it must be bigger ...  A day at work on my own, get requested to start work at 5.30am next Monday for a big 12hour charity bash .. hmmmm .. possible plan here in my head to save me trip to LTS on Saturday ... more tomorrow.

Failed to get out at lunch time for my power walk, but I’m trying to cut back on food as I’ve got to get my weight back down and learn to keep it under control. Fiona, my business partners wife , who sent me a really nice email a couple of days ago, is going to giggle after reading that .... Getting to feel more tired I’ve noticed, definitely need to make the sleeping part of life longer.

Dinner not as low everything like last night, jacket potato , gorgeous Tesco speciality sausages and sweet corn. Pud is half a fresh pear, with a waffle and ice cream, did I mention the maple syrup .. when the waffles are finished Karen’s buying no more ..sob, sob.

Can’t remember feeling any queasiness today .. so that’s good, though another scrapping collision between LH bud & nip with the edge of a printer I was leaning over made me bite my lip in pain .. gosh just wish I could wear something to protect them at work ..  Where as for the first few weeks my RH bud / nip was most painful, and has grown the most, the LH one is taking over or catching up ( I hope), if only on the pain / discomfort side. Not sure if this is actual or just the result of the few scrapes that one has received the last few days ... Sent an email to my friend Bob to see if all is OK after Tuesdays evenings outing myself to him ...

Day 37. Friday 14th January 2005.

Excellent ... due to very early start on Monday I get to grab a pool “Smart” car for the weekend. Dive out to LTS early in morning and collect my purchases from last Friday, Carolyn has a look when I get back . Work goes OK today, damned queasiness returns for about 2 hours late morning after return from LTS, a mere 20 minutes both ways power walk from the “office”.

Lunch time sees me doing power walk number 2 (15 minutes each way ) of the day .. quick visit to Dorothy Perkins at Bond Street tube ... gosh is orange and green really the colours for spring this year .. the tall section is not to my taste at all .. yuk .. Leave work at 5.15 and find myself at home by 6.25 including stop in Egham to fill up car ... amazing for a Friday night.

Good thing too .. Karen and I are off out with Linda and her wife to Andrea Hillaires birthday bash in London, EC1. However Karen suddenly not keen to go as she says she’s got nothing to wear. It’s just a pub I say, and it’s going to be dark  .. eventually she agrees to come and I think enjoys the evening part from some of the noise and all of the smoke ... same here really ... 

“Mr Pickwicks” is just an ancient pub, grade 2 listed apparently, ... hmmm .. and totally straight, but apart from a pointed comment I heard while standing at the bar from some moron, the reception we girls got was good ... Get there early enough to park outside, and we are greeted by an ever bubbly Andrea, and some awful wailing from the Karioke machine .. gosh it was bad .. except one .. 

Get to meet a few girls who I know by name but couldn’t put a face too ...  now (Saturday) I can remember the faces but what was the names !!! lol ... doh .... A live blues band plays later and we discover Linda and Susan can seriously dance ... initially floor clearing , as everyone stopped and watched .. wow ... Forgot to take pills with me and eventually get home at 2.00 to take the 23.00 one... Oh yes .. good news is that the “vege’s” are less painful now, though very shrunken, and “tucking” is almost pain free after 7hrs .. what a relief ..

Day 38. Saturday 15th January 2005.

Folks, being a TS is not easy, yes I feel great most of the time inside, but the downs ( the queasiness, growing and “shrinking” pains, mood swings ) are sometimes unbearable. The mood swings, make life hard to cope with sometimes ... I’ve been able to bottle quickly fired rage so far, but when the weepies hit I just haven’t found a way of stopping them, if this happens publically or at work I’ll want the ground to swallow me.

Wake up at 9.10 and take first pill 2 hours late. Rush to bathroom as I’m desperate .. oh er .. was that last nights “buffet” at Mr Pickwicks or what .. I can’t say ... Weigh myself and oh er .. 14st 31/4lb .. yes ... power walks rule .. lol or something ... Go and make tea for Karen and I return to bed for a cuddle .. as you do. Suddenly I spontaneously burst into tears while being cuddled as a few “little” things that I’ve taken as negative and to heart from Karen about various things, and have been worrying me, suddenly bite home. She tells me I’m making something from nothing, that not to worry and she loves me. Calm down again but a few minutes later I’m weeping  again and I roll away and it becomes a flood again. I just can’t control it and Karen cuddles up behind trying to console me.

Eventually I calm down again, this is going to get expensive on tissues if nothing else if this continues. Get up for breakfast about 11.30 and go to see uncle in Burnham who knows nothing about Sarah, in drab mode. After eating breakfast I feel a bit queasy again, but fades after an hour or so. Sort a few things at uncle’s  and dash home for lunch .. it’s 2.30 already. As I’m writing this at 2.30 I start to get tearful again, but  Karen’s by my side reading and realises and gives me a cuddle again ... this is so embarrassing and hard when it happens and I sometimes hate what I’m doing, but I must go on and not give up.

LH bud / nip is still more sensitive than RH, just hope this is a catching up thing. Later we go and see my mum, and being that Claire is in respite I would have gone as Sarah, but I do feel quite low cause of tears earlier and really can’t be bothered to change to andro mode either. I didn’t even bother with a bra earlier I felt so low when I got up, but did regret it at one point going to my mums, I put my drab fleece on and catch phone in shirt breast pocket which scrapes my bud/nip .. ooouuch ... Tell my mum that Bob now knows and is OK with it, she’s pleased, and regales to Karen her recent shopping trip with me as Sarah, and how everyone seemed to accept me.

Go to get a Chinese takeaway in evening from Bagshot, the place is heaving and I wait for 20 minutes to get our phoned order. I become aware of a couple of blokes looking in my direction and giggling .. what about I wonder .. earrings ( amethyst studs ) or my pony tail .. in a bright red scrunchie .. I don’t care really .. Yesterday, I noticed that the “vege’s” didn’t hurt so much anymore when tucking, cuddling up in bed later tonight, nice and relaxed ... and this bolt of lightning hits my RH “vege” and I jump up moaning .. worrying Karen a little ... gosh that hurt .. why did that happen ?

Day 39. Sunday 16th January 2005.

Wake up feeling better than yesterday, that was a day, I don’t want a repeat of that on the emotions side .. gosh it was hard. Decide to wear my “AA Balconette” bra today to maximise what I’ve got and for protection. RH boob is getting close to pushing out all the creases in the cup material on it’s own ... not bad for 39 days I'm thinking .. maybe at 80 days it will take out all the creases .. grins ... but I know things will slow for a while now so I’m told, but I live in hope as you do.

LH bud/nip is more painful than RH for sure, reverse of the early days, just hope this is catch up time .. it needs too as the material in LH bra cup is definitely got more creases from lack of filling, though there has been some development for sure. Working day really, got to get my wife’s accounts finished today, so do nothing in email and messenger till it’s done .. after 7.00pm.

Karen says I’m driving her mad keep weighing myself and should do what people recommend and do it at the same time once a week ... so Sunday morning it will be ... and 14st 5 1/4 lb is this weeks reference ... felt queasy for about 30 minutes this morning ½ hour after breakfast at about 10.30 ... then again just before lunch at 2.00 for a short while. Nothing like the early days so I’m relatively “happy”  that this has improved no end .. Have a nice chat with some friends on Yahoo messenger in the evening .. and then it’s early to bed for tomorrow’s 4.00 am get up time for the charity bash ...

Day 40. Monday 17th January 2005.

As I went to bed last night Karen gives me a couple of  “crop” tops to try for sleeping in, they are like very soft cup less bra’s, made of cotton. Quite comfortable and protect nips .. sleep ok in one. I am an early person in “male mode”, and a late one too as “female”, confused .. yes I maybe ... but why did I wake up 1 minute ahead of my 1st alarm, 2 hours earlier than usual ... I usually wake up 5 minutes before my 1st alarm at 6.05 ... spooky ... so I’m up and away for today’s charity bash ... get to work 10 minutes earlier than intended by car .... boss will be impressed .. lol.

Get called to attend a fault early, after sorting problem that had me laying under a “desk”, I go back to my office / workshop to discover my mobile phone and my “pills” are missing ... panic ... must have fallen out my shirt breast pocket while crawling or laying on floor ... rush back and find phone under “live” desk, and switched on (oops) ... but “pills” laying on floor very near to a girls foot where she is standing ... swoop in and pick them up .. hoping nobody has seen them and recognised what they are !!

Nip out about 10.00 for a bacon sandwich from local “ café ”, it’s spitting rain as I return and try to run, aargh .. jiggling nips on shirt and phone very uncomfortable ... Rush home for early lunch and help Karen to take Claire for an ultrasound. She’s was very good. Take Karen back to the school to get her car, take Claire home via accountants in Staines to drop accounts off and nip in to see my mum in Egham.

Back home for a relaxed evening in front of PC to find Broadband having trouble staying connected. Give up, going to help Bob unpack a large spare for the boat and maybe continue chat about me perhaps ... but I won’t bring it up .. no queasiness up to this time today .. hoorah .. Also noticed tonight that RH bud/nip is the most tender again ... so much for thoughts that LH one was catching up last few days ... doh..

Day 41. Tuesday 18th January 2005.

Fairly mediocre day at work today, nothing exciting at all after yesterdays special Tsunarmi program. Our group CE1 summons me to his office in the middle of morning, what have I done wrong ? ... nothing ... wants to get a DAB radio for his office and can he have an aerial connection ... already has one ... phew !!

Go and do a lunch time raid on the Holland & Barrett store in Baker Street, clear shelf of 12 pots of their “Skin, Hair and Nail” formula .. 10 months supply, cause its almost 1/4 price .. Rush home in evening for “hair cut” ... 1" off all round please ... I had planned on telling our visiting hairdresser “S” about me to get some serious girly styling advice, but Karen indicates NO cause “S” is going through a hard time with her marriage ending ...

As she leaves I book next Thursday for having my roots done ... yes I do colour my hair ... not as often as I should maybe .. my roots are about 3/4 “ long from about 3 months ago. Went for a “drab” beer with Bob and “T”, an old friend who knows nothing yet ... nice guy, just hope he and “J” his wife stay friends. “T” doesn’t comment on fact I’m only drinking halves ... so nothing said.  Hey .. no queasiness today either ...

Day 42. Wednesday 19th January 2005.

Another “boring” day at work, except trying to get new security video recorder to record properly, eventually succeed but it’s made me 40 minutes late leaving work ... Did get queasy in the afternoon, lasted about an hour .. can’t see what triggered it. It’s the “Reading Beaumont’s” pub meal in Theale tonight which I like to attend. I hate being late for that. Race home on bike in 44 minutes .. but still well behind schedule.

Shower and dress, and as I leave it’s 19.50 ... 10 minutes to go about 26 miles ... so I ring my friend Sam to order my food for me if they take the order before I get there ...  Phew .. another land speed record set in Karen’s car, get to Theale at 20.15 ... and they are just taking the order.

These evenings in the pub are so nice, the regulars just ignore us nowadays, strangers do double takes, but it’s nice. Chat to Sam, Gabrielle, Gill, Tina and some others about the journey so far ... most have been reading my diary now and then. Four women on a table keep looking our way and smiling and giggling .. that’s fine with us.

Wore my new LTS coat out for the first time ... mmm ... I like it and it’s nice and warm. Leave pub at 10.50 and get home at 23.30. Not sure if it’s something I’d eaten, but was up in middle of night ... and it’s not the first time that’s happened after eating in Theale .. hmmm but it won’t stop me going .. the company is sooo good ...

Day 43. Thursday 20th January 2005.

I don’t know if I slept to far over on my right side during last night, but RH bud / nip really hurts when I wake up. Removing crop top I sleep in the elastic just touches the end of my nip ... unless you’ve experienced this you have no idea ... ouch ... Some office moves have to happen today at work, when I first arrive I’m normally on my own till about 9.20 when “C” gets in.

Time to do some repairs to my finger nail reinforcings, need changing really ( last done and painted in the week before Christmas, and normally redo them every 3 - 4 weeks ), but haven’t found time to do it in last week. Anyway, “C” caught an earlier train in and nearly catches me .. had just glued last one when the door opens ... don’t think he spotted what I had been doing ...

We moved 2 girls from one place to another, humped a few filling cabinets up stairs, and was worn out by lunch time, left me a little breathless at the time. Not sure if I’m losing much muscle strength yet, but it did seem like harder work than I’d previously experienced doing this many times before. After lunch I felt a little unwell, yes queasy too .. not sure if it was this mornings exertions or something else.

Went to Evans at lunch time and got Karen a pair of shoes in the sale. “I want rounded toes and not too high” .. well rounded toes it was, but 2 3/4" heels are too high !!! Hopefully she’ll give them a try ... and practice like we all do ... lol. Karen gives me a cup of tea when I get home, I moan it’s too sweet ... something unheard of 2 months ago, and this isn’t the first time either in last couple of weeks, so my tastes are changing for sure ...  It’s a quiche and salad tonight ... hmmm nice .. oh NO what am I saying .. drab me hated salads ...

Day 44. Friday 21st January 2005.

Get up feeling better than yesterday, well at least to start with. Get to work, and it’s another busy day. PP1 has a birthday this weekend, so she’s down a local at lunchtime and a load of us join her ... and in company tradition it’s chocolate cake at 16:00 ... ask for a small bit ... and PP1 asks if I’m unwell ... if only she knew ... she’s a really nice girl and I’m sure she has her suspicions ... she loves my finger nails ... I’m sure she’s one RG that won’t give me a hard time when I go full time.

I pass a colleague in a doorway and crunch my mobile phone into my LH bud, she see’s me wince and asks if I’m ok ... just “knocked my elbow”,  I lie ... Automation system is playing up so “C” and I decide the system needs to be closed to audit the data base, makes us not to popular on a Friday afternoon ... end up leaving work 1½ hours late ... doh ...  Get home and have a good plucking ( top lip and chin) for tomorrow’s night out at Tootsies ... As I’m out tomorrow night, Karen and I have a Chinese takeaway ..   No queasiness today anyway ... great ...

Day 45. Saturday 22nd January 2005.

Get up with some great working intentions this morning ... that quickly fades as little jobs keep cropping up. I want to get ready early for tonight’s outing to LMNT restaurant in Hackney, then on to Tootsies. As it turns out I’m 20 minutes late leaving home to pick up Cassie, Gabby and Shawna, get to the restaurant 10 minutes late.

The driving is horrible and soon the washer bottle is empty .. into a garage to refill it. What a weird place LMNT is, nice though, “ London’s most eccentric dining room” it’s card says .. possibly true, and the food is nice, and cheap, well for London ... £20 a head for 3 courses including drinks.

We as a group were treated with respect, and another group of girls on their way to Tootsies were having a meal too. On to Tootsies and get there about 21.10. Loads of friends are there, including four off the LGG girls from “Bournemouth”, haven’t seen them for a long while, have a load to catch up on. Long chats with Josie and Terri follow and it’s good news from Terri that they will continue for the rest of the year ... Meet Freya from Bracknell ( 8 minutes drive away ), another TS about 4 weeks a head of me hormone wise.

After much conversation with all my friends we leave Tootsies about 1.15 am, and head home, via Uxbridge to deliver the other 3 girls back. While waiting to go, standing around in the basement, I feel really cold ... I never used to feel this way under similar conditions ... and go get my coat to stay warm .. definitely a hormone side effect I am sure .. I get in at 3.00am, taking last pill 4 hours late again ... oops .. by the time I take my false’s off my buds are aching quite a bit from being crushed, I must get another set with hollows in the back to relieve the pressure on mine ... and ... no queasiness today again ... 48 hours ...

Day 46. Sunday 23rd January 2005.

Ok .. the Sunday morning weigh in today records 14st 3 ½ lbs .... YES,yes ... nearly 2 pounds off in last week ... ( ear to ear grin ). Got up at 10.45am, well it’s still not 7 hours sleep ... I do need more now for sure.  This next week I’m going to have to take a couple of days off to sort the things I haven’t done this weekend ... doh ... Interesting day, well interesting weekend ... I am tired, but I had such a good night out last night ... and I’m still on a bit of a high from it.

Exchanged a few Yahoo messenger messages and a few e-mail’s with people after last night. Went shopping just before lunch to Waitrose in Sunningdale. Went “casual femme”, favourite “big bum”girlie jeans, pink/purple stripped male shirt, lilac jumper and lilac trainers, My “Balconette” bra protects my nips, my buds are filling it better and better as the days go by and are visible through my red fleece jacket, just.

Just a little lip gloss for a face, my long finger nails are still medium pink pearl colour from last night, hair in a highish ponytail with two different pink scrunchies twisted together for effect, large pink diamante studs and favourite silver heart necklace. Nobody I noticed was stirred at all ( not that if your trying to project confidence you look around all the time to see if anybody is starring or anything ), least of all the girl at the checkout who mam’d me ... naturally ... grins ...

Bought a load of fruit Karen didn’t ask for ... and a couple of naughty things I couldn’t resist .. I do need more self discipline for sure .. but hey I did loose nearly 2 lbs with a few naughties last week ... No “pudding” after our pasta dinner, just a plate of fruit to share, and I’m happy with that ... gosh I do think differently now. I start to shiver at the thought of how cold it’s going to be in the morning ... snow is predicted ... brrrrrr . Still no queasiness today ... it’s a record ..72 hours ... could this be .. no I won’t say it ... LOL...

Day 47. Monday 24th January 2005.

OK no snow .. , back to work today, still a little over tired from Saturday’s night out, but hope to get some earlier nights this week.  I am without doubt feeling the cold more nowadays, though well protected in my bike kit ( or so I thought ), it takes an age to feel warm again.

When I first woke up this morning I thought my buds / nips were  less painful than recent mornings, however the cold seems to make them hurt more. Carolyn sees the pictures from the weekend and makes a few nice comments ... grins. Booked off Thursday and Friday to try and get some work things sorted here at home. Left work a little later than intended, and get stuck into doing some paperwork, but get to feel cold and cuddle up with Karen for some warmth.

Dinner’s healthy eating curries, yummy, but I won’t mention the meringue and ice cream in the pud with the fresh pear !! I must say that I think the queasiness might be banished ... OK I said it .. 96 hours without any ... nice. I’m starting to wonder if I’m hitting that plateau I’ve been told about, when development and all the side effects take a pause for a few weeks after 4 - 6 weeks, OK, so I'm a little slow maybe here .. I’m nearly at 7 weeks ... LOL ... or maybe it’s cause the buds had been supported and protected all weekend in bras, time will tell.

Day 48. Tuesday 25th January 2005.

I am feeling the cold so much at the moment ... I can only assume this is not one of the side effects but one of the life changes coming home to roost. I was told that amongst other things I would feel the cold a lot more, and I am. I told Steve my business partner last night about me feeling the cold more, as we have a business job to do in about 4 weeks that will mean 3 days at end of Feb working in his garage for very long periods .... brrrrr .. shivers at the thought.

Steve thought, as I did before I was told otherwise, that the extra little layer of fat I should be depositing just under the skin would keep me warmer ... wrong. Got to work about 8:10 and it took me 35 minutes wandering around in a fleece to build some warmth up.  I don’t know if this is temporary or permanent ... I’ve always said I prefer it cool so I can dress to be warm ... but I’m not so sure anymore ... along with so many other things that have changed.

Riding the bike home through Chiswick and guess what ... apart from feeling cold that queasy feeling starts to build quickly. Nearly 120 hours with no queasiness, it lasted about an hour or so and then fades ... oh well it was a lot worse. As for the buds / nips ... more painful than yesterday, maybe the weekends bra wearing was beneficial to comfort. Dinner was another “healthy eating” curry, and a yogurt, better not mention the fancy bread I bought Sunday at Waitrose ... dipped in Chilli olive oil and balsamic vinegar ... as a starter .... well lunch was only one round of beef sandwich, an apple and a banana ... could this be a reason I’m feeling cold more ... not eating enough ... next Sunday’s weigh in will tell all.

Day 49. Wednesday 26th January 2005.

Get woken up 10 minutes early by a call from work, no internet access, nothing I could do remotely so get up and leave early ... a plan for tonight. Life is plotting against me and my weight ... LOL. Declaration from our CE at 10.30  that Wednesdays will be free food day, starting today.

Well, what to expect, sandwiches or Pizza’s delivered in maybe, cause they’ve done that on odd occasions when people have been extra busy for some special event, or to make us feel better after a bad news meeting. I’m hungry at this time, so think ok sandwiches or something extra lunchtime, so I’ll eat my sandwich I’d bought with me now, and have a little extra lunchtime with my apple and banana. The little extra was Thai food for 16 people .. a banquet, and I love Thai food .... DOH ...

Shamefully, 2 large plate fulls later I feel very full, but still eat my fruit cause it’s good for me ... dreading the scales on Sunday. My attempt to leave early or on time is thwarted by a call, somebody needed to do a software update .. NOW ... couldn’t wait. So 30 minutes later I left for home, so the whole evening at the Reading Beaumont’s supper night was going to be late too. Rush home, rush this, rush that, look a mess ... get out 35 minutes later than hoped. Still it was a pleasant evening with a bunch of friends, and there was food left for all, so I didn’t go hungry. Everyone seemed to leave early, so I did too ..

Day 50. Thursday 27th January 2005.

First of 2 days on leave from work to sort a few things out at home. It doesn’t start well, Karen gets up for work and brings me tea in bed at 7.25 to find me with another attack of hormone weepies ... I’m so hyper sensitive towards what I assume is Karen’s feelings and what she say’s, I keep bottling up little things that sound or seem to be negative and then pop ... I can’t control it, thank God I’m not at work this morning.

Karen has to leave for work at 8.20 and I’m booing for 30 minutes after, eventual compose myself a little and get dressed and do my tax return. It’s done before lunch ready for posting, so I go on line for a while. My best friend Linda, who  I owe so much, pops up on messenger, another aquaintence Michelle is at her house and would I like to go round for a coffee ... see you in 20 mins .. via post office.

So we stand around for an hour chatting about life and things, then I have to leave to get home before Karen ... oops she’s already home. Dinner is a mixture of salad and chicken curry .. healthy or what ... LOL. Hairdresser turns up on cue at 19.00 to do my roots ... and I tell her about Sarah .... she’s really fine about it and takes an interest and asks a load of questions which I try to answer .. show her some photographs .. wow .. she’s gob smacked I think ...

“ I was at Ascot ladies day too “ she says .. she really had no idea about me at all though she’s been doing my hair for 17 years ... she’s going to give me some serious help when the time comes to go full time .. thank you .. and no queasiness today.

Day 51. Friday 28th January 2005.

I wake up in the middle of the night, about 2.30, boiling hot, particularly my face .... Am I sickening for something, I don't know, lay on my back with feet and legs out of duvet to cool off for about an hour and half, listening to Karen gently snoring ... LOL. Second of 2 days off ... really .. get phone call from work about 9.30, another member of staff was burgled last night, took car keys and car, complete with office door entry dongle, so have to VPN in and knock his number off.

Well not a terribly productive day I must say ... wanted to do a load of customers machines, ended up doing some cleaning in my “office” before I could start, gosh I’m beginning to feel domesticated, spoke to a company I had done some private work for to sort out some problems, and that was the day gone. Got one out of 6 customer machines done ... doh.

Helped Bob sort out his Tiscali Broadband problems in the early evening, and actually got him on line, but the Win98 drivers for Sagem ADSL modem are not right, so I downloaded some new ones at home later. Later still, went for a beer with Bob in drab mode, don’t want to inflict full Sarah mode on him till later.

While washing before bed, I catch my RH nipple with a finger nail .. ouch, gosh they do hurt, and then it happens .. my first hot flush ... oh blimey, or was the early hours incident this morning the first ... I didn’t go look in the mirror then .. that would have been tell tale. My cheeks glowed like I’d used a whole pot of raspberry coloured blusher, and burned like they were on fire .. oh er. It was something else RR had said might happen ... forgot about that because till now it hadn’t happened. Well at least there was no queasiness today.

Day 52. Saturday 29th January 2005.

After a restless night, woken up by rolling on to painful buds several times, I got up and made Karen tea in bed. Intending to get up and do things to make up for yesterday, we cuddle for about an hour, then guilt ridden I get up. Just finish breakfast and Bob rings ... broadband not working again ... promise to go round later with drivers I down loaded last night on a CD and try and sort it out.

Then the phone starts to ring. My old chief engineer, MC, made redundant when the company was taken over .. is putting some new drives and XP Pro in a PC I built for him when he was my boss. We talk about how he should do it .. a few more calls back follow and my morning has gone ... doh. Well the rest of the day proved to be little different. Spent 1 ½ hours at Bob’s, no luck really, and more calls from MC.

The voices of doom where correct, my eyes have suffered at short range since taking hormones. Until I started, I was aware for about 18 months previously that my near vision was starting to get weak, classic long sightedness. However, in the last 7 weeks my job with small components has become very difficult, very quickly. So off we went to see my mum in Egham and went via a chemist to get some reading glasses.

Tried both 1.5x and 2.0x glasses, 1.5x was probably enough, but for the really small idents on modern electronic components I though I’d better get 2.0x. I’ll go to Boots and get some 1.5x too soon. I steered clear of buying really girl shaped ones and went for some small “unisex” ones, so I can use them on my day job. Karen and I are going to have our eye’s tested soon, we have both been in “denial” for 2 or 3 years really.

Anyway, it’s the usual (if at home on a Saturday night ) Chinese takeaway and back to Bob’s with my old Alcatel ASDL modem. Eventually, get his system working reasonably stable, and leave his place at 2.00am ... get home, only a mile away by car, 500yds on foot cross country, .... where’s my mobile. Ring it from my company phone ..Bob answers ... doh .. rush back to find Karen had rung it too when she heard me drive out again .. LOL ... Take 11.00pm pill at 2.15am ... doh ... and no queasiness today.

Day 53. Sunday 30th January 2005.

Ok .. the Sunday morning weigh in today records 14st 1 1/4  lbs .... YES,yes ... over 2 pounds off in last week ... ( broad grin, specially considering Wednesdays Thai feast and NO lunchtime power walks. ). Got up at 10.00am, Bob calls at 11.00 to say things seem to be going OK ... ish ... I will get round to publishing a chart of my body measurements when I get the chance .. and work out how to do a nice table .. but I’ve lost 1 ½" off my waist in last 5 weeks, with weight only 1 lb less ( but remember I was 14st 73/4lb just before new year ) ... the reshaping is happening ... this is going to get interesting over next few months.

The rest of the day goes in a blur and nothing really gets done .. more phone calls, find time to redo my nail reinforcing but that makes me late for the Surrey Swans meeting, must go as I’ve missed the last 2. So I go casual femme, jeans with heels, and no falsies ... just me, and a balconette bra, not even chicken fillets.

Very little makeup completed the look .... I’m not sure if I’d gone very glam even if I had not run out of time ... being glam doesn’t really do it for me now ... oh er. Ok the bra does help, a lot, .. but some people could not believe it was just me .... after 71/2 weeks ... yes. Chatted to a first timer “CD”  with a supportive wife ( at home ) for a while, she was very pleasant .. she’ll do well I think with a little practise and socialising. Home to bed ... still no queasiness ... yes.

Day 54. Monday 31st January 2005.

Crawl out of bed at 6.10. Need more sleep ... lol .. doh. Morning goes ok, nip out at lunch time to look for some 1.5x reading specs. Borrow a bag of small capacitors from work to read values on while trying glasses, in fact 1.25x may have done but play it “safe” and get the 1.5x. Staggered to find Boots glasses are horribly designed and want £19.00 a pair ... while Superdrug are doing the same “Foster Grants” as the little chemist in Egham at the same price as Egham ... hmmmm, is that a rat I smell.

Anyway bought them, back to work and little else to report other than the not so “Power Walk” walk did seriously aggravate my LH nip / bud. Have a soak in the bath later ... luxury, done nothing but showers since Christmas. I find laying slumped in the bath my buds look even bigger ... wow ... that’s an excuse for more soaking ... LOL. Doing an inspection of the other bits, as “boys”( even if for not a lot longer ) should do is another shock.

When heated in a hot bath, scrotums become very soft and stretchy ... allowing a better inspection of the contents .. good grief .. the vege’s, though barely sensitive at all now, are so much smaller than I’d thought a few days ago checking them “cold”. Others have said the size of “broad beans” at six months is the norm, I can believe that now. The really good news is that I’ve had no queasiness again today .. it’s a record 6 days.

Day 55. Tuesday  1st February 2005.

Grrrrrr... what did I say and think last night ... about queasiness .... Had a really good “feel good” day at work today, just can’t help smiling most of the time, except for pain in LH bud/nip ... as I bounced down a flight of stairs at one point just before lunch, and the pain in my left boob as it bounced was awful. Yes they may be small still, but if I run or do anything to make the chest shake a little, I feel them move and they hurt.

I take a risk and go for a “power walk” lunch time, as long as I don’t pace to hard it’s OK ... end up taking a detour through LTS to see what’s new ... wow .. I need a lottery win .. or a rich friend ... LOL. In the afternoon I’m siting at my computer, checking a server and bang .. I go from nothing to really queasy in seconds, felt horrible for about 10 minutes then it drifts off over about 30 mins .. and that was just before my afternoon pill was due .. leave for home 30 minutes late ... such is life.

Swerve to miss a pedestrian near Chiswick High road and go into a pothole and nearly come off the bike ... but the impact shoots pain through my buds that get shaken violently by the impact ... have to slow down for a couple of miles ... It’s Pasta for dinner, but a slightly naughty pud ... a fresh pear, nearly forgot the meringue, ice cream and chocolate sauce ... oops. Plans of work evaporate again ... and off to bed.

Day 56. Wednesday 2nd February 2005.

Up and at it feeling good and off to work. All goes well till I bound down some stairs landing heavy on my feet and aarrghh ... LH bud reminds me to take care ... This is something I’ve got to get in my head, be more lady like on the stairs, only one step at a time going up, and walking pace going down .... LOL. Well it’s big announcement day at work about re branding the company .. and the management disappoint the staff by announcing to us it will happen ... well I hope this works, everyone thinks it’s a big mistake by a team who do not know the London market properly.

“Free Food Wednesday” is to be known as “Pig Out Wednesday” from now on. Meeting finishes and we are led to a “finger buffet” .. gulp .. yummy .. bang goes the diet. Enough food to feed 3 times as many at the meeting .. what a waste ... typical. Go for a “Power Walk” after lunch to wear some off, LOL, and take a tour through the D&P flagship branch over Bond Street tube station. Keeping the walk pace down to more feminine steps and speed reduces “chest bounce”, and apart from a little discomfort there is no real pain. Home late as usual, we have a “lite” pasta meal at home later and a yogurt, out for a drab beer with Bob later.   Well we got to 6 days last time with no queasiness, here starts the next count.

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